16th April 2015

I still not able to accept for the day that I thought I am ready after discuss with my dad for so many time, I wish that I can be still a little kids that doesn't know anything and thought that he just gone for a sleep. 

I know I should be glad that he is no longer suffering from pain, that he finally get relieved from all the the emotional and physical suffering, that his last scene was still the calm face. 

I blame myself to be so selfish, refuse to look after him when he was sick, trying to avoid from noticing his call for home. I never wanted to accept that he is old and leaving us anytime. Even until the last day of him, I still don't want to accept it and until it is too late. 

Until I have to pretend that I am strong and calm enough to accept the fact. But I know I am not. 

That day, although I try to control my emotion to drive home, but the car engine dead has showed how impatient of myself to rush back and go to the hospital. That day, when I called home and try to pursue my mum if she can go beside him for the last minute. That day, when I finally lost him and when I see it is just the body without the soul. 

When everything has happened, I know there is no use to cry, not able to do anything but at least not to create more trouble. But I know I am in fact not strong enough to stand all these. I try not to cry but I know I dare not to sleep alone at all for the first few days, dare not to tell anyone about the incident and I am afraid if anyone talk to me and I will non stop crying. 

In fact, I know the day will come, when he first told me that he fall down in the toilet, I tried my best to massage every time I go home during weekend. But when he fall down just behind of me on the road when I start the car engine, I know that I am still not strong enough to deal with all these. But I chose to avoid thinking for the worst and thought everything can be better until I need to take a week leave home to take care of him, sending him to the hospital each day for different check up, and until the day he do operation and stay in ICU. 

I thought miracles could happen again, Since at least he has awake after the operation and still tease behind him that he should be fine since he can still complain the staff in hospital. I still cannot believe that after that a few days later he has left us forever. 

Yes, I know nor matter how much I try to pay back it is not enough for what he has done to us. He has taught me for everything in life since young. He has given me my biggest freedom to do what I want. He has told me the story that he has passed through to teach me lessons. He has try his very best to live positively until the day he is beaten down. 

I did not inform most of my friends about the incident until I write it down here. That was for his friends and family not mine. 

I try to recognize each of them, most are known since I was young. Siblings, relatives, old school buddies, neighbors. I am just trying to be calm to talk to them, to describe the scene that I don't wish to recall, again and again. 

Well, just let this be the one and the only emotional post relating to this. I will write more posts for the story that he has told as a record instead. At least comparing to the very first sick of him when I was Form 4 or 5, he should be able to let go of us as I am ready for independent. 

Rest in peace, my dad. You will be always on my mind.